One evening in a shelter support group, the women were discussing how to change their manner of interacting with people so they were not too pushy or challenging but also not allowing others to run over them. A very large African-American woman, who appeared to have total control of her life, had brought up the topic. This woman was at the shelter because she had been abused by her boyfriend. Just because she looked like she could handle anyone, and came across as being totally in control of herself and others, did not mean she was free from feeling the conflict many women feel, torn between being too nice or helpful and being angry and aggressive.

Another woman responded: “You can decide to be a victim or a quiet warrior.” She explained: a victim gives in to the message that “I am being used, abused, or mistreated” and acts accordingly. A quiet warrior calmly states her needs, feelings, and thoughts with confidence and insists on others treating her with respect and giving her what she is due. She serenely goes through each day doing the best she can. This woman mentioned how her abuser had called her stupid, bitch, and other degrading names. To overcome the negative effects of this name calling, she continually reminded herself of her college education where she had gained so much knowledge. She knew, because of her accomplishments, that she was not stupid and this, in turn, made her stand up for herself and get out of an abusive relationship.

The women discussed how success of any kind, regardless of how small, leads to feeling good about yourself. Then, feeling good about yourself, results in:

• Careful confrontation with those who abuse or intimidate. The idea of careful confrontation is to bring some contradictory fact or evidence to the attention of someone else. If it is done kindly, it will be received better and prevent more aggression. [Note: this is not always possible with victims who feel their life is in danger!]
• Problem solving. Once a person challenges the abuser, she feels better about herself because of her assertiveness. Then, she can take the next step and begin to solve some of the problems resulting from the long-term neglect of important personal and family details, like getting an apartment or a job, and finding ways to get her children in a stable, safe environment.
• Making plans for a future that does not include the abuser. Women who are in an abusive situation must faithfully engage in planning so they can make the future safer and more rewarding.

The story above lends itself to Jesus’ teachings. It is obvious that he wants us to be a quiet warrior not a victim. This is clear in his parables. In Matthew 13, Jesus teaches a person how to set priorities and make good decisions about what to include and what to remove from her life. The end goal is to become righteous and live in the kingdom of God. But becoming righteous may mean leaving behind abusive situations and learning how to be a quiet warrior instead of a victim.